"Professor"-to-"Student" Phrase Book

 If you get the feeling that professors live in a world of their own, you're right. They even have a language all their own (called "Professorial Inanity"--or "prof-anity" for short) which can in fact be quite disconcerting to the naive, neophyte student. In fact, the resultant miscommunication is the single biggest cause of student confusion and frustration.

 * My office hours are by appointment only. I like to screw out of here early.

 * Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation. I'll be fudging your grades.

* This won't be on the test. Nap time!

 * Bring the text to class. I don't have a clue how to lecture--we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.

 * He's not fully up to speed on that. He's got his head up his ass.

* I don't have the latest department guidelines. . . I've got my head up my ass.

* Let's check with Dr. So-and-so on that before we proceed. . . I've got my head up HIS ass.

 * Not much is known about . . . I don't know anything about . . .

* We'll be spending a fair amount of time on this important concept. This was my dissertation topic.

* Talk to the department secretary. Piss off.

* Talk to me in my office after class. Get out of my face.

 * The tests will all be multiple-choice. I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad students do all my grading.

* Don't come in late during my lecture. I have the attention span of a fruit fly.

 * Save your questions until the end. See above.

 * The final will be comprehensive. I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.

* Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations. This course is outside my specialty--I'll just bluff it and let YOU teach.

* There are two TAs available to help you. I can't be bothered.

* This year I'll be scaling the grades. I just passed tenure review.

* Let's break up into quiet discussion groups. I have a hangover.

* Let's have class outdoors today! I had beans for lunch.

* You won't be able to sell the text back to the bookstore. My contract wasn't picked up.

* Hmm . . . What the fuck?

* Well, that answer would be beyond the scope of this course. I haven't a clue.

* Ha, ha . . . That was supposed to be funny . . .

* Please note the last day to withdraw. The midterm's gonna suck.

* The answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17. I only got around to making up the test last night.

* The second list is optional reading. I have a rich fantasy life.

 * I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet. The department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.

 * Well, it was on the syllabus. I'll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it myself.

* We'll just skip the term paper this semester. There wasn't enough in the budget for a TA.

 * Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam. See above.

 * Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade. I'm so boring that no one would show up otherwise.

* Read chapters 5 through 10. I'm not coming in at all next week.

 * We'll have to cover this chapter quickly. I screwed up the lecture schedule.

* Let's go over the exam. Half of you failed.

* It was in the textbook. I pulled it out of my ass.

* Extra credit is available I need some shit work done.

 * I'm postponing today's exam. There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.

 * Don't write on the question sheet. I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester.

* Next time we'll see a film. I ran out of lecture material.

* Don't worry, that won't be on the exam. Ask someone who gives a shit.